My Ego and I Define Success Differently Which is Why We Fight So Much

I think that the title is a pretty clear introduction to this chat, so let’s just get right into the argument shall we? So I was doing the dishes yesterday and Babe (my Ego) decided to start with me by telling me how she defines success.

“Car, when are we gonna buy a house and have some kids?” she asked.

“What if we never do Babe?” I asked back. “Would you be okay with that?”

“I really don’t know if I would. I mean you and Maurice are so smart. He could’ve been an engineer by now and you could’ve been a psychologist with a PhD and everything. Instead, you both work these shitty paying jobs and all of your friends have surpassed you. I mean seriously, what are you doing with your life?”  Continue reading “My Ego and I Define Success Differently Which is Why We Fight So Much”

No Body Treats Me Like My #1

My hypocrisy is hilarious. I mean I’m seriously such an idiot, it’s funny. Here’s an example: my body-who I call my #1- is like the feminine counterpart to my masculine mind. She’s the one that feels everything and I’m the one that analyzes everything. Okay so here’s the problem:

While I’m constantly snapping at Maurice for brushing off my feelings, I brush off my body’s feelings all the time and tell her/them –your body is both one and many- to get over it.

Now, it’s important to understand that all bodies are female in consciousness and energy, just like all minds are male in consciousness and energy. The male unites with the female to create the complete entity, but you are still many entities in one. That’s why you can feel one way one minute, and completely different the next.  Continue reading “No Body Treats Me Like My #1”

Do You Really Need to be in Control?

The need to be in control is directly linked to the need to not be your true self, and here’s why.

So lately, I’ve been paying very close attention to how much I’ve needed to control my hair. It’s no secret that Black women have a very complex relationship with their hair.

But I never fully understood why I struggled so much with mine and why there was always shame attached to my hair. I used to think that it was because of the weaves, the perms, and the heat, or maybe it was the media, or the shady comments from friends and family.

But now, I think it was something else. I think it was because no one ever told me that my hair was something to be proud of. I had no idea that it was alive, and that it was a procreation of me like a child.  Continue reading “Do You Really Need to be in Control?”

Empathy: Writing a New Narrative

Empathy is very interesting because it self-sabotages us sometimes. I remember once in elementary school, the teacher selected me to read a passage from a textbook out loud. Everyone else in the class sighed loudly in disappointment when the teacher called my name.

She said something like, “I want Carla to read because she annunciates and projects.” Even though I was thrilled that she chose me, I felt bad that everyone else was disappointed. So I intentionally stumbled through the passage.

Why did I do that? Why did I think that failing in something I was selected to do would make those who weren’t chosen feel better? Why did I minimize my skill? Why did I want to make my teacher regret calling on me?  Continue reading “Empathy: Writing a New Narrative”

Meltdown Chronicles: I Cried Today Over Curtains

*In Michael Buffer voice*

“In one corner ladies and gentlemen, we have flirty, feisty, and conditioned to be insecure by a narcissistic mother, Carla’s ego! And in the other corner ladies and gentlemen, weighing in at four feet and eleven inches of emotional maturity and philosophical ingenuity, we have Carla’s intuition!…

“Let’s get ready to RUMBLE!!!!”

Yup, you guessed it. My ego and my intuition are fighting again, but this time I’m not handling it very well. I tried to hang some curtains rods today, realized that I ordered the wrong width, and went into a full on meltdown. I mean crying, screaming, throwing things, and everything. Continue reading “Meltdown Chronicles: I Cried Today Over Curtains”