Power: Why Can’t I Have It?

Whelp… this is confusing. Today my job reminded me once again that I value efficiency just as much as I value compassion. That would be great if I had unlimited power to go with my high emotional intelligence, but I don’t.

So when someone calls me with a problem, it bothers me that I can’t solve the problem directly, all I can do is apologize and issue concessions; irritating.

What the hell is the point of being the point of contact for an inconvenience if you can’t solve the customer’s problem? I’m totally fine with you yelling at me if I have the power to tell you with confidence, “I fixed it.” That’s all I’ve ever wanted to say to people: I fixed it.

But when I’m powerless against both anger and inconvenience, it puts me in a really weird space as an empath.

Is my job in customer service a trigger for my savior complex? Do empaths like me need more logistical power to actually get things done? If I can’t get things done, does that mean that what I’ve contributed is worthless? Is my self-worth directly tied to my ability to fix people’s problems?

Until telekinesis starts taking effect in business, we’re just going to have to work with what we’ve got. I can’t beam customers’ packages directly to them when they’re late, I have to depend on several entirely separate departments in all fifty states to do that. But the customer doesn’t want to hear that.

This fact got me thinking about how freewill ruins everything. If I had unlimited power I would solve everybody’s problems, but I can’t because that overrides everyone else’s freewill.

If I need something done, I have to sit there like a schmuck and not only ask someone else for help, but wait to see if they are willing and able to help. This is not the life I wanted. This is fucking bullshit.

What’s the point of being an exemplary, compassionate person if all the power goes to the assholes that abuse it? I don’t understand life on this on planet. Everything is such a cruel joke.

One solution would be to stop caring so much, but since that’s never going to happen, I did what any normal person would do and turned my anger to the planet. This is all her fault anyway.

“So you’re mad at me because you want unlimited power to solve entitled people’s first world problems? Good for you!”

“I don’t appreciate your sarcasm Gaia.”

“You’re adorable; naïve, but adorable.”

“How am I naïve for wanting the tools to do actual good in the world?”

“You don’t want to do good in the world, you want to save the world, big difference. You really do believe that people’s karma, problems and bad decisions are your responsibility. Know why? ”

“Why?”

“Guilt. You feel guilty because you are lucky, and not only that, but you’ve ascended and now realize that you’re God. It’s hard to sit around and watch people suffer when you know that you’re a loving and compassionate God. That’s why you care so much. But the challenge that you’ll face for the rest of your life is to laugh, take naps, and actually enjoy omnipotence’s absence.”

“That’s going to make me feel helpless.”

“Helpless to rescue everybody and save others from their karma, yes; but helpless to enjoy your beautiful life in all of its glory, no bitch. I had to learn the same lesson.”

“It took you six billion years to learn that lesson! I don’t have that kind of time. I’m going to live on Mars.”

“Good luck with that.”

My Ego and I Define Success Differently Which is Why We Fight So Much

I think that the title is a pretty clear introduction to this chat, so let’s just get right into the argument shall we? So I was doing the dishes yesterday and Babe (my Ego) decided to start with me by telling me how she defines success.

“Car, when are we gonna buy a house and have some kids?” she asked.

“What if we never do Babe?” I asked back. “Would you be okay with that?”

“I really don’t know if I would. I mean you and Maurice are so smart. He could’ve been an engineer by now and you could’ve been a psychologist with a PhD and everything. Instead, you both work these shitty paying jobs and all of your friends have surpassed you. I mean seriously, what are you doing with your life?”  Continue reading “My Ego and I Define Success Differently Which is Why We Fight So Much”

No Body Treats Me Like My #1

My hypocrisy is hilarious. I mean I’m seriously such an idiot, it’s funny. Here’s an example: my body-who I call my #1- is like the feminine counterpart to my masculine mind. She’s the one that feels everything and I’m the one that analyzes everything. Okay so here’s the problem:

While I’m constantly snapping at Maurice for brushing off my feelings, I brush off my body’s feelings all the time and tell her/them –your body is both one and many- to get over it.

Now, it’s important to understand that all bodies are female in consciousness and energy, just like all minds are male in consciousness and energy. The male unites with the female to create the complete entity, but you are still many entities in one. That’s why you can feel one way one minute, and completely different the next.  Continue reading “No Body Treats Me Like My #1”

Do You Really Need to be in Control?

The need to be in control is directly linked to the need to not be your true self, and here’s why.

So lately, I’ve been paying very close attention to how much I’ve needed to control my hair. It’s no secret that Black women have a very complex relationship with their hair.

But I never fully understood why I struggled so much with mine and why there was always shame attached to my hair. I used to think that it was because of the weaves, the perms, and the heat, or maybe it was the media, or the shady comments from friends and family.

But now, I think it was something else. I think it was because no one ever told me that my hair was something to be proud of. I had no idea that it was alive, and that it was a procreation of me like a child.  Continue reading “Do You Really Need to be in Control?”

Empathy: Writing a New Narrative

Empathy is very interesting because it self-sabotages us sometimes. I remember once in elementary school, the teacher selected me to read a passage from a textbook out loud. Everyone else in the class sighed loudly in disappointment when the teacher called my name.

She said something like, “I want Carla to read because she annunciates and projects.” Even though I was thrilled that she chose me, I felt bad that everyone else was disappointed. So I intentionally stumbled through the passage.

Why did I do that? Why did I think that failing in something I was selected to do would make those who weren’t chosen feel better? Why did I minimize my skill? Why did I want to make my teacher regret calling on me?  Continue reading “Empathy: Writing a New Narrative”