*In Michael Buffer voice*
“In one corner ladies and gentlemen, we have flirty, feisty, and conditioned to be insecure by a narcissistic mother, Carla’s ego! And in the other corner ladies and gentlemen, weighing in at four feet and eleven inches of emotional maturity and philosophical ingenuity, we have Carla’s intuition!…
“Let’s get ready to RUMBLE!!!!”
Yup, you guessed it. My ego and my intuition are fighting again, but this time I’m not handling it very well. I tried to hang some curtains rods today, realized that I ordered the wrong width, and went into a full on meltdown. I mean crying, screaming, throwing things, and everything.
The crying lasted for a really, really long time. I was furious that I would either have to spend more time exchanging the rods, or spend more money ordering more. After an already frustrating day, I just wanted to hang the curtains and take a nap in total darkness. That was all I wanted.
But what really made me lose it was the self-talk coming from my ego. “You have no common sense,” I felt her tell me. “That’s why everybody thinks you’re an idiot.” That statement made me think about how people rejected me in the past. I thought about every time someone rolled their eyes at me when I said something that they didn’t understand.
I started spiraling out of control thinking about the multiple bullying incidents that led to my low self-esteem, like that time when my mom told me as a kid that I talked too much and needed to get some friends, or that time in high school when this guy told me I was too annoying to ever have a boyfriend.
I remembered those times when religious friends told me they were worried about me because I asked too many questions and entertained new age concepts. And that time one of my coworkers got really angry with me because I told him how I felt about church.
Damn. All of this drama over a stupid set of curtains? I guess that’s how it always starts: with something small.
“No one will ever understand you,” my ego continued to whine. And it was at this point that my intuition stepped in to comfort my inner child. She told me over and over again that she was sorry. She told me to let it out.
“You are safe,” she said. “It’s okay to be angry.” And God was I angry! I was angry at myself because of the curtains and angry at other people because they didn’t understand me.
I’m an INFJ personality type. And INFJ’s take pride in their ability to handle being alone; but we are tortured souls, and need the people we care about to put in the effort to support us and figure us out.
This is one of the many reasons why I feel so bad for Maurice. He’s probably gonna need therapy soon because of me. That was another reason for the meltdown.
My ego thinks that my husband judges me because he’s not into any of this philosophical stuff that I’m into. I’ve changed a lot in our seven years of marriage, and it’s been pretty stressful for him.
First, I started questioning Christianity; then I left Christianity; then I started looking into new age concepts; and then I broke up with my parents. Maurice thought he was marrying a Christian girl raised in a healthy home, with an active social life; but now he’s married to a socially awkward, new-ager, who doesn’t speak to anyone in her family, and is in love with Gaia and tarot cards.
Between my husband’s confusion, my family’s rejection, and my own insecurity, I’m a complete basket-case these days. So it’s a good thing that I can still hear my intuition’s gentle, loving voice. She is my direct connection to Source. She was there to comfort me when my ego ripped me apart. She’s the one that showed me that my emotional tsunami was indeed a wake-up call.
She reminded me of my goal in life: to leave a mark on the world through my intellectual contributions and brutal honesty. And this is true, but sometimes my ambitions are a little inconvenient. I’m already sick of the challenges.
I’m not a prophet, a yogi, or a genius, so I don’t understand why all of these trials and tribulations are necessary. I understand that I’m different, but I’m not leading a revolution here. I just want to be myself and explore things. All I want to do is entertain. I’m not trying to save the world. So why am I so miserable? Why do I make people so angry?
According to my intuition, maybe I am a prophet. Maybe I’m paving the way for something through my vulnerability and I just can’t see what it is. Maybe my life means more than all the rejection and low self-esteem; and maybe part of my life’s purpose is to feel a deep sadness and then overcome that sadness.
I don’t know the answers to these questions, but I do know that life is a wheel (like Major Arcana 10). You go up, you come down. Circumstances change and so do you. I feel like shit today, but maybe I won’t feel that way tomorrow. And that gives me hope.
I see humor in life’s paradoxes, even when the joke is on me; and that’s a gift.
If I give it some time, maybe one day I’ll finally see that I’m more powerful than my pain.