Have you ever heard someone say, “I don’t know what got into me,” or “That’s not like me at all?” That’s a sign that the person’s shadow has reared its ugly head in their life and embarrassed the shit out of them.
I’ve had enough experiences with my shadow to know that it will take you as a hostage at gunpoint and not let you go until it proves its point. But here’s the thing… it’s not trying to prove a point to you… it’s trying to prove a point to someone else.
Your shadow kicks your ass because it wants to tell the people around you that you are not what they’re trying to get you to be. This is why it always culminates in an extremely embarrassing event. It’s embarrassing because the event’s purpose is to expose a truth that you were taught to hide.
Your shadow gets tired of having to put up with neglect, manipulation and abuse, and then go out into the world and pretend that everything is okay. Eventually you will snap, and when you reach your snapping point it’s a warning to the people that are treating you this way that they need to stop.
Here’s one example from each stage of my life of when my shadow had to step in and help me.
Preschool
I remember when I was about five years old, and I had a dance recital. About 30 minutes before it was time to go onstage, I became anxious, started crying and worked myself into a full on hysterical melt down. My dad tried to calm me down in the bathroom, but I threw up all over my white tutu.
Everyone explained it away as stage fright, but it was really my shadow standing up for me saying:
I am not going onstage. I am not a show pony just because I’m adorable.
People have always thought that because I was charismatic and pretty, that I should be on display. Adults always wanted me to speak in front of others and I’d do it, but then I’d hate myself afterwards. I didn’t understand why people always needed to be entertained at my expense.
I didn’t have the words to articulate this, but my shadow knew exactly what was going on.
Middle School
Fast forward to eighth grade, when I hid in a closet for over 24 hours, and had everyone thinking that I ran away. I don’t remember 100% of what happened to trigger it, but I remembered that my parents were fighting badly the night before.
You wanna know what sucks though? Out of all the people that were worried about me and looking for me that day, NOBODY asked me what was going on at home. Nobody asked me how I felt, or if I was afraid, or why I felt the need to cry out for help the way that I did. Everyone just assumed that I had problems and that those problems were my fault.
After all, I was an articulate black girl from a two-parent home. My parents must’ve been perfect right?
I had to go to school the next day looking like an idiot. Nobody could hear my shadow screaming:
I am not well! I am being emotionally abused at home and I get blamed for having needs. I get straight A’s in school but that’s not who I really am. I need help! I need someone to see me!
Even though the adults in my life didn’t respond to my cry for help, my friends did. They stopped seeing me as this robotic, goody-two-shoes and realized I was human. I realized I was human too.
High School
Now I’m in high school. It’s senior year, and I had been in a two year forbidden relationship with another woman. It was completely ripping my life apart.
I had to lie to everyone about our relationship because I was a Christian, and Christianity controlled every aspect of my life. I was the example. I was a leader. I couldn’t make mistakes, especially terrible sins like this one.
I had to deal with the cognitive dissonance of being in love with someone who not only was forbidden, but who constantly lied to and manipulated me.
I mean this girl was a textbook manipulator. She lured me in by telling me her sob stories and she hooked me with all of her adoration. I would go back and forth between trying to get away from her, and running back to her.
I certainly wasn’t innocent in this relationship. I was mean. I would try to push her away by being cruel, but something always made me apologize… and she would always forgive me. “My heart is as open as the sky,” she would say, “You will always be let back in.” We were obsessed with each other.
I started to get manipulative as well, but it didn’t take long before my shadow said “ENOUGH!”
We were walking home together from school one day and we starting arguing. Then we started fighting and I just snapped. I smacked her, I punched her in the face, and then I got her on the ground and kicked her repeatedly until a passerby on the other end of the street said, “Hey! Stop kicking her like that! Stop!”
I ran like a cruel-hearted punk. And the fallout from that fight was terrible. We had to go to out of court mediation and everything. Her mother wanted me expelled from school. My shadow was done being in the middle of a passive aggressive lover and a passive aggressive religion.
I have a right to love who I want to love; shame on you for trying to confine my soul .But I know that this relationship is not healthy, and I need to get out, no matter what it takes.
My shadow saved me. As soon as I got accepted to the University of Chicago, I got the hell out of Philly and never looked back. My parents didn’t give me a hard time or ask me why I wanted to go so far for college, because they knew.
Adulthood
My shadow protected me in my marriage too. It kept me from trying to become someone I could never be.
When we first got married, Maurice seemed to expect me to nurture him, never get upset, and follow him wherever he went. What he got was a combination of me yelling at him, pushing him away, and telling him to go to events without me.
He had no idea how complicated of a creature his wife was. My need for solitude confused him, and my drive to think outside of the box made him upset. At first I tried to compromise by going to the parties, and hiding my new ideas from him. But that didn’t last very long. My shadow stepped in.
I am not your doting mother. I am not an extension of you. I am an individual, I am a deep thinker, and I need emotional support. If you can’t take me for who I am then this marriage is a lie.
And you know what happened? We got closer! My husband made the decision to fight for me and I gained more respect for myself.
Getting arrested and going to court is embarrassing. But your shadow is your defense attorney; it’s trying to keep you from going to the prison of other people’s needs and expectations. Let your shadow do its job.
There were countless other examples of how my shadow saved me. Every time it was embarrassing, but every time created a positive change. As I look back over my life, all I can do is say thank you to my shadow.
“Thank you for keeping me from becoming someone’s mindless puppet.”
“Thank you for helping me to speak up when something isn’t right.”
“Thank you for getting me out of unhealthy relationships.”
“Thank you for helping me to identify and set boundaries.”
“Thank for making people respect me.”
Your shadow only embarrasses you to save you.
