I grew up as a Christian and one day… I stopped taking my beliefs seriously enough to continue to identify as a Christian. After about a two year period of disillusionment I became an atheist briefly… but once again I didn’t take my beliefs seriously enough and started “cheating” by entertaining spiritual possibilities. I now consider myself new age, but it’s really not that serious. I understand why everyone believes what they believe.
When I was a Christian, I was so mean to atheists and when I was an atheist, I was so mean to Christians. Now I can’t be mean to anybody. The more I learn about human nature, the more I fall in love with humanity as a whole. I think that religious beliefs are directly connected to a person’s needs, and I take this into consideration every time I converse with someone whose beliefs differ from mine.
Unlike me, most people take their beliefs (religious or otherwise) very seriously. Have you ever wondered why? It could be because religions help to meet people’s needs. And usually one faith meets many needs for many different people. For example, I was attracted to Christianity because I enjoyed the deep study and the alone time, I even considered going to Seminary after graduating from Bible school. Many of my friends however, cared more about the fellowship and the opportunities for service that being a devout Christian brought.
If to love someone is to understand their needs, in learning to love myself, I realized that I need to be right. If you challenge the possibility that I could be right, I have no choice but to lash out at you because my beliefs directly affect my choices, and my choices build my life. If I’m not comfortable enough to ask myself what needs my faith is meeting, I will not be able to entertain someone with an opposing argument. I would rather make you wrong, than admit to possibly being wrong myself. My ego needs to protect me.
If you are the person who usually finds yourself saying, “I can’t believe people actually believe that!” you have a need too! Maybe you have the desire for independence in both lifestyle and intellect. I know I did. I couldn’t stand going to church every Sunday and having to participate in Bible studies, prayer meetings, and revival services during the week. I tried a “hermetic Christianity,” but that was frowned upon by my loved ones, so I just decided to get out altogether. That was hard and there was a lot of crying. I didn’t realize how angry I was until I started reading atheist literature and watching atheist YouTube videos, and then it all started to come out. I had been indoctrinated and I was so angry about it. I was angry that I had been deceived.
But was I really deceived or did I make a choice? Maybe it was a little bit of both. We are all such complex individuals after all, and our needs are even more complex. When I was a Christian, I needed Christianity and when I was an atheist, I needed atheism. In fact, atheism was the conduit for the shadow work that I desperately needed to do, that could not be done while I was a Christian. I’m realizing how opposing beliefs depend on each other. Maybe needs tend to change based on self-examination; the more self-examination you do, the more your needs tend to change. I think that this is why I confuse people so much and they do not understand me. But some things about me will never change: like my love for food and my love for naps. You can bet on it.
I enjoy turning just about everything into a game (yeah, I literally play too much); so here’s a game for you. The next time that you’re in a heated debate with someone who has a view that opposes yours-religious or otherwise- try to identify the need that that view meets for them. For example, my husband Maurice has a need for deep intellectual study of the Bible and so his pastor- Melissa Scott– meets that need for him. I understand this about him because I understand this about myself.
You can do it! You can understand individuals on a deep level by first understanding yourself on a deep level. It all boils down to needs and honestly, there is no such thing as a wrong need.
