Meltdown Chronicles: I Cried Today Over Curtains

*In Michael Buffer voice*

“In one corner ladies and gentlemen, we have flirty, feisty, and conditioned to be insecure by a narcissistic mother, Carla’s ego! And in the other corner ladies and gentlemen, weighing in at four feet and eleven inches of emotional maturity and philosophical ingenuity, we have Carla’s intuition!…

“Let’s get ready to RUMBLE!!!!”

Yup, you guessed it. My ego and my intuition are fighting again, but this time I’m not handling it very well. I tried to hang some curtains rods today, realized that I ordered the wrong width, and went into a full on meltdown. I mean crying, screaming, throwing things, and everything. Continue reading “Meltdown Chronicles: I Cried Today Over Curtains”

When You Trade One Certainty Addiction for Another

My ego is having a really hard time right now. She is struggling with severe certainty addiction withdraw symptoms. Certainty addiction (often associated with but not limited to religion) is the inability to acknowledge that your point of view could be wrong. It’s either yes or no with no room for maybe.

I was conditioned to not only want to know the truth, but to also believe that whatever truth I embraced was the only truth possible. So now that I’ve decided to leave that way of thinking behind, my ego is completely distraught. She’s been vomiting, has the chills and sweats, and is continuously proclaiming that she’s going to die without the drugs.  Continue reading “When You Trade One Certainty Addiction for Another”

I Thought I Was My Own Boss, But Apparently I’m Not

I let my body boss me around. I might as well just admit it. Last night I slept for a total of 2.5 hours and then I was up bouncing around, washing dishes, and watching YouTube videos.

I’ve always had an unconventional relationship with sleep, but it’s gotten progressively worse since I started working for myself.

When I worked in sales, I forced myself to go to sleep at night because of my 1.5 hour commute; and when I worked at Starbucks I slept every chance I got because I would usually work from 4 :30 am to 2 pm.

I am now 100% sure that my body wants me to be self-employed for as long as possible, because I no longer have any leverage to use against it for control.  Continue reading “I Thought I Was My Own Boss, But Apparently I’m Not”

Transforming Guilt Into Gratefulness: A Shadow Work Exercise

I don’t like taking responsibility for myself on my spiritual journey. I wish I had someone to blame. It’s hard enough trying to figure out why I’m here and what I’m “supposed to learn” while I’m here, but the most annoying thing about being responsible for me and only me is the guilt. I have no one to blame but myself these days.  Continue reading “Transforming Guilt Into Gratefulness: A Shadow Work Exercise”

Humility And Arrogance Are Both Connected To Insecurity

I’ve always liked to believe that arrogance is bad, and humility is good. But what if they’re both bad, and what if they’re both good? Whether good or bad, they’re both connected to insecurity. We like humble people because we’re insecure. We don’t like arrogant people because we are insecure.  Continue reading “Humility And Arrogance Are Both Connected To Insecurity”